How to get over the end of a relationship?

      

        Are you in the throes of a failing relationship? Or worse yet in the grips of a loving partnership the just ended? Do you feel shame, sadness, confusion, distress, loneliness and a host of other intense emotions?  

Prior to the break-up, both the participants experienced a large dose of dopamine and oxytocin, the pleasure and feel good hormones while in love. 

And a bad break up can make you feel withdrawal symptoms of the "cuddle hormones".You are tempted to get another hit of the gleeful neurotransmitter in your brain.You want to repeat that addictive behavior like calling your ex or stalking their social media accounts. 

You have a mix of good  and bad memories. It is playing an endless loop in your mind. A relapse is  inevitable. There are days you feel good. And there are days you feel bad.You just can't stop ruminating the loss of a romantic relationship and the demise of your aspirations and dreams about the future with your former amore.

However you have to consider  that every relationship is different and every individual has unique coping mechanism.There is no one-size-fits-all or a standard  playbook on how to get over the end of the relationship.

But there are 27 practical, tried and tested methods on how to get over a bad breakup that actually work.  Are you ready ? Okay ,  here goes:

1. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss. As the old adage goes "Healing is feeling." Permit yourself time and space to feel your emotions whether you are mad, sad, glad bored , and feeling betrayed. It is  empowering.

 2. Don't view the relationship as a failure.  Whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. Rather see it as an opportunity for personal reinvention. You are reshaping to be the best version of yourself.

3  Self-care is of the utmost importance.Take care of your whole well-being by working out, eating healthy and sleeping better.

4.  Be compassionate towards yourself.  Yes!  You.  Be kind,  be patient and forgiving towards yourself. Be your own best friend.

5. Have  solid support system (friends and family).Someone who's willing to listen to your woes.  Express your needs and feelings. Rant and rave with a sympathetic audience.

     

6. Seek professional help if you're having difficulty coping.  If you find yourself falling into despair like having a hard time functioning in your day-to-day routine , a trustworthy and knowledgeable therapist, rabbi minister or a priest is a sure help.

 7.  Don't romanticize or catastrophize your relationship that  just ended. Don't put your ex on a pedestal.  From a realistic point of view your ex have faults too.

 8.  Stay away from stalking your ex on social media. I'm sure by now you have unfriended or blocked him or her-- because keeping a tab on your ex's profile will cause your old feelings to resurface. This is detrimental to your healing process.

9. Expect a swinging back and forth of emotions.You may feel shifts in your emotions. Happy memories make you miss the person and reminisce the good old days.

 And the empty space your Ex left behind may lead to anger, depression or resentment.So try to be patient with yourself when you balance out this shifts.

10. Don't numb your emotional pain with chemical substance like drugs and alcohol. Refrain from binge eating or having casual sex.  The benefits are short term. Harmful stds, chemical dependency and victimization are just not worth it.

 11. Keep a journal. Let out your lesser self and trap it on paper. So that mental gremlins won't ricochet in your mind like a  stray bullet all day.  It's a good and satisfying way to process your pent-up emotions.

 12. Re-evaluate your needs.

 Ask self-examining questions.Like, do I notice a pattern of selecting  wrong partners? What did my ex teach me about  belief in myself? This method is a way to self-reflect and arrive at clarity.

 13. Avoid the rebound relationship. It may be tempting to jump into another relationship right after a breakup but you aren't completely healed yet.  There is a tendency that you will repeat the same mistake or experience similar relationship troubles.

14. Try again when you're ready.  How do you know when you're ready? You're ok with the idea of the possibility of getting hurt again. You now have a sense of inner strength. You understand the concept of falling in love again makes you vulnerable.

15. Forgive your ex and avoid the blame game. The 'what ifs' and 'buts'  won't change the fact that it's all over now.

16. Realize that you are sufficiently good enough. When the relationship ends, it's easy to think that there's something wrong with you. Don't allow someone else's opinion and reactions steal your self-worth.I am good enough. Claim it and you'll have it.

17. Relish and savor your singleness.  Enjoy your me-time to pursue your passions and hobbies. Meet new people , learn french,  take a class in public speaking , take up boxing, etc. These activities will add freshness in your vitality and overall personality. Being alone doesn't mean being lonely.

18. Volunteer. One effective way to heal is to forget about yourself for a while.

 Engage in charitable works for others. Extend your time, energy  and resources to help less-fortunate people.

It will take you're mind off your own troubles. And you'll be doing good for mankind 

19. Use negative re-appraisal. Highlight your ex's negative traits.  Instead of putting him or  her on a pedestal-- idolizing your ex.  Imagine him in a diaper and holding a feeding bottle. See how you feel. It will surely soften the blow.

20. Use distraction or the rubber band technique. Every time the person enters your mind and camps in their uninvitedly ,  just pull off the rubber band on your wrists The stinging pain will stop your looping thoughts about your ex. Do it several times a day.  And slowly, over time you think of him or her less and less.

21. Ask a friend to return the things you need to give back to your ex. Get rid of things around you that will remind you of your ex.It will ease the pressure and sadness associated with the person.

22.  Ignore the typical timeline of getting over the end of a relationship. Healing time is relative. Every person has different coping mechanism. Every relationship whether short or long term  is unique.So don't pressure yourself by saying "By now I should've  been over him or her."  Complete healing  is a process.

23. Go do things that make you feel good. Go on a vacation. Visit friends and relatives.  It will help boost your mood.

24. Don't call your ex or beg for another chance. Distance yourself physically and digitally.  You won't want to hinder your healing progress.

25. Don't engage in digital revenge like posting on your social media to elicit jealousy from your ex.  If you do this, it  means you're still thinking and prioritizing that person.

26. Create new memories. Do things you've never done before. Check out that swanky bar, restaurant or coffee shop .

It will create new neural pathways in your brain that will increase feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine.

27. Don't expect closure before you decide to move on.  Don't wait for apologies and explanations. You can't be dependent on the behavior of other people.

Conclusion:

 As impossible as it may seem to you at first. As long and arduous the journey to healing. But as time passes on.Those ill-feelings of hurt, betrayal and sadness will lessen.It won't be as painful as it was before. 

Thinking of your ex won't cause that much hurt anymore. Time indeed is a great healer. It washes away the rubble of a relationship gone bad. 

What's left is a treasure trove of sweet memories.You've come to accept that season is over. 

Complete healing takes time, courage and self compassion. You will be the best version of yourself. 

You are now well able to navigate relationships in the future.  You're ready for a fresh new start. You feel it in your heart--that new life and new love awaits. 

Love is only made more valuable by the risk of a heartbreak." -- Alessandra Torre